Yesterday, I treated my Soul BIG TIME!
I offered myself a session with the astro-therapist Candice Bergdoll.
An astro-therapist is someone who helps you identify the Soul wounds you are carrying & understand the lessons you need to learn in this lifetime.
Not very different from the work we do together, if you’re a client of mine.
But an astro-therapist is using a combination of astrology (deciphering your Birth Chart) & therapy to detect your hidden beliefs… you know, the nasty bastards blocking your way to happiness & fulfilment.
Needless to say, it was really deep work & I got pretty emotional.
I could share all the wounds we have identified in separate articles if that’s interesting to you but today, I wanted to reflect on one wound in particular that has been HUGELY impacting my life since I was born, directing nearly ALL my decisions.
A wound that you might carry too, my dear friend!
It is the WOUND OF INSECURITY…
The wound of insecurity, as you can guess, means that you carry within you a deep, sometimes visceral NEED for safety & security, that you either got passed on as a memory from previous generations (Thank you so much for the gift, Mum & Dad!) or from your own “previous” lifetimes, times when you were not safe in one way or another and needed to protect yourself to survive.
(I put “previous” in parenthesis here because when it comes to Soul reincarnation, I don’t believe it works in terms of past/present/future timelines but that’s another discussion so I’ll use “past” & “previous” for the sake of keeping things simple for now. ????)
So, your mind created that big wall of beliefs to protect you from being harmed again.
Insecurity can relate to primal things such as having a roof over your head, having enough food to eat, being physically safe, or more complex things like emotional security, financial safety, or even just the fact that your body (your first protective envelope against the world) is indeed safe, and you’re healthy!
As with every wound, there are two types of extreme reactions to the wound of insecurity.
It looks a bit like this…
It’s pretty unhealthy & prevents you from being happy, no matter on what end of the spectrum you recognize yourself.
And it’s not because you observe yourself being on one extreme of that spectrum regarding a specific area of your life that you are not adopting the complete opposite behaviour in another area!
We are so full of contradictions…
Your reaction to the WOUND OF INSECURITY can sometimes appear completely contradictory.
For example, you yearn for a place to call home but you reject any man/woman that wants to offer you just that, even if you deeply love that person.
To protect & justify your wound of insecurity, you might have created contradictory beliefs that show up even if being with that special someone makes you feel good & that your relationship is helping you grow.
Beliefs like “being with someone for the rest of my life makes me feel trapped” or “I don’t want to settle… yet?” or “I want an ADVENTUROUS life so being in a long-term relationship is not compatible with that…” or “I never want to get married because I’ll lose myself in a relationship…”.
Well, breaking news! (or not)
That NEW belief is the way your mind has found to make sure your wound of insecurity survives and continues to protect you!
(What a twisted but protective son of a bitch your mind is!)
You destroy the tiny bit of safety that might have been before you can even learn what safety REALLY is and then you complain you’re alone & have nothing…
“Helloooo, self-created vicious circle!”
Or, it can be that you crave comfort and beautiful things but you keep quitting awesome jobs that could help make enough money for you to buy those things.
“I just want to be free from material constraints, you know…”
In those cases, the WOUND OF INSECURITY shows up with an unreasonable attachment to freedom & a huge fear of being trapped, or confined, or anything that can make you feel like you can’t “escape”! (aka you go into “survival mode”!)
I used to be TERRIFIED of going to prison, or being trapped in a box (even just looking at the poster from the movie “Buried” makes my heart beat faster, my breath fall short & oh yeah, I’m sweating now!)
And even if a part of my brain knows that those things are VERY unlikely to happen, still, I’m terrified!
Side note: When I’ll die, no coffin for me please!
If anyone asks, I want to be bio-cremated and my ashes to be spread over a nice place overlooking the ocean or if anyone finds a way in, spread them over Hogwarts. Thanks! ????
The other extreme: the “I won’t move” attitude
The wound of insecurity can also show up as the complete opposite of the “Let’s flee” behaviour.
It can show up as a “I’M SAFER IF I DON’T MOVE AT ALL” pattern.
In those cases, your wound of insecurity prevents you from changing your life even when it’s necessary.
Your brain has created the belief that if you move, make a decision, change, evolve, leave or do anything at all, you risk losing your precious safety and maybe… you’ll end up dying!
So you’re reacting a bit like the dude on the far left of the spectrum below, hiding himself in a plant pot, not doing anything…
(I know, my drawing skills are impressive…)
Well yeah, you might end up risking your precious safety… but that’s the point, duh!
Because that’s the only way you can hope getting what would make you happy… by getting out of your comfort zone.
We find a lot of unhappy employees or long-time married people in that other extreme category of behaviours.
And you know that it’s not because you don’t move, do, make a decision, leave or change anything that you are not unconsciously already making a decision that is impacting your life.
The lack of movement, action or decision is an intention in itself and it gears your life in a very specific direction as well… one that you might end up not liking at all!
Don’t let fear make your decisions
The fear in itself is not dangerous because it’s not real.
What’s dangerous is when you let those fears, created by your wounds affect your decisions.
It’s up to you to understand where you’re at on that spectrum in each area of your life.
Maybe you’re quite balanced when it comes to money but you can’t fathom the idea of quitting your job even if you’re very unhappy & with each new day, losing a bit more of your self-confidence.
Maybe you’re balanced professionally but you always chose partners who depend on you emotionally because it makes you feel needed & it makes it complicated for them to leave you! Therefore, you’re convinced they won’t leave you. You’re safe!
Hey, who’s behind the wheel? The wound or myself?
While reflecting on that, I found that my wound of insecurity was showing up EVERY FUCKING WHERE in my life!
It has literally been the BOSS of me up until now.
???? I have quit more jobs than anyone I know. Interesting jobs, well-paid jobs, safe & stable jobs and I chose to be a freelance & entrepreneur instead… “Ah, professional stability & financial safety, so old-fashioned…”
???? I have put myself in situations where I had to leave my home… live without a home… could pay for my home… had to live in other people’s homes FOR SO LONG! I don’t even have my own home now. Not in France, not in New Zealand. Nowhere! Oh, I have a storage unit… does that count?
???? I have put myself in a lot of financial trouble unconsciously & consciously. At times wondering what I could do to get enough money to eat on that day! I thought living without much money was freeing me from society and was a “good thing” for me because of a not-so-hidden belief that “money is bad for you”! But truth is, it’s exhausting to live in survival mode and wonder if you’re gonna eat and where you’re gonna sleep every day…
???? I have rejected the men who were offering me genuine stability and were willing to build a home and a family with me and instead, I have attached myself to men who were as insecure as I was and couldn’t/didn’t want to/didn’t know how to offer me what I was actually craving for.
And every time something in my life could have provided me even a tiny bit of safety, I have destroyed it relentlessly… in pure scorpio-style!
It was giving me the illusion that I was free because I could start from scratch again.
Observe your beliefs to identify your wound
What’s interesting when you know that this wound is active in you is that digging up the hidden beliefs that you have created to protect that wound is pretty easy.
The moment you identify the wound behind a hidden belief,
…BOOM, you stop the wound from impacting your life and you can redirect your life properly!
Let’s take an example regarding physical safety & the need to have a home…
Consciously, I know I crave having my own home. I crave being able to store my books & have plants. I crave having the same place to come back to when I’m travelling. I crave becoming friends with my neighbours & having a vege garden…
BUT… I haven’t had a place to call home in more than two years and I keep saying to myself:
“Housesitting is a lifestyle that suits the nomad wild woman I am!”.
“Living in houses I could never have afforded on my own is a treat”.
“These houses are HUGE and offer me so much comfort & SPACE (SPACE, the ultimate gift for a freedom junkie with a wound of insecurity, by the way!).”
Because deep down inside of me, there’s also a very big fear that comes from my wound of insecurity.
Housesitting is a way to protect myself because I don’t have a fixed address so if anyone is chasing me, looking to disturb me or harm me, they wouldn’t know where to find me because I change house all the time.
This thought comes to me suprisingly often as I’m housesitting.
When I notice a man in the neighbourhood looking at me in a weird way and I imagine that he might want to harm me… I’m thinking “well, I’ll be gone in three days so I’ll be safe then”.
I always choose to flee to survive so when I’m staying too long somewhere, I start imagining that I’m bored with that place to force myself to move & protect myself (Not a joke, this is actually a really STRONG hidden belief of mine…).
No wonder why I was so deeply affected by the Paris attacks. For months, I couldn’t take the public transportation without almost fainting from anxiety. I had to plug my headphones & play a meditation from the moment I was leaving the house to the moment I was arriving to my destination to avoid passing out from fear.
The wound of insecurity is no joke, my friends…
It made me wonder.
What have I been through that would justify such twisted beliefs?
So I continued digging.
And just there, under my nose, something I didn’t think could have had an impact on me emerged from my memory.
My grandmother, my grandfather, my dad & his siblings had to flee their home, leave what had been their home country… because of war.
They were risking their life staying there, being who they were. They had to start their life again, somewhere else, from scratch.
It had become unsafe for them to continue living there so they had to flee to survive…
Hm… Fascinating, right!?
So it seems that I was passed on this trauma. Not in a visible way. But definitely in a subconscious way!
That’s the obvious part, the part you can easily find by talking to your relatives.
You might find traumas that happened a few generations ago but it’ll require a bit more effort to go further back in time and explore your family tree over the centuries.
Then, there are the traumas from YOUR previous lifetimes, your karmic wounds.
The patterns you play & replay in your life that seem to be endlessly repeating & when you try understanding why you put yourself in such misery everytime, the root of the trauma eludes you.
Those patterns are generally the ones that are rooted in your unique Soul journey. They originate from a wound created in a “previous” life incarnation while you were the victim of a very real life-threatening situation and you have repeated that trauma over many Soul incarnations since, until you finally start identifying it, healing it in order to release it.
In other words, until you understand your Soul lesson.
And it’s up to you to explore those “past” lives so that you can understand what you’ve been through, the traumas you kept as wounds inside your Soul, the beliefs your current mind has created to keep this wound alive & protecting you and the lessons you need to learn in this lifetime to finally heal that wound.
I have a wound of insecurity, now what?
Well, now that you know… it’s up to you to stop spreading that trauma to future generations.
And that’s when the super awesome exploration part starts!
You can reflect back & identify times when you REacted based on that wound.
AND more importantly, you can observe your behaviour to find traces of that wound as it emerges in the present and you can decide not to let it impact your life negatively anymore.
Where is this wound showing up in your current life?
Sometimes, you’ll just want to protect yourself for good, solid reasons.
But other times, it’ll just be your wound getting scratched again & provoking an excessive reaction to a non-threatening situation.
You’ll observe various degrees of intensity in terms of your reaction and that’s your role to make sure the path you take is not affected by an EXTREME reaction to your wound of insecurity.
And finally remember, it is safe for you to live now.
Even if someone or something wanted to harm you, you are strong, resilient and in control and you have the power to defend yourself.
So you don’t have to destroy or build excessively to protect yourself from harm ANYMORE.
YOU ARE SAFE NOW.